


A Barking Mad Tale

by janonny



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, But this story was written as a reaction to something in Far From Home, Contains two lines of spoilers for Far From Home, Crack, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, So you might wanna watch the movie first, The events in this fic do not fit in with Spider-Man: Far From Home, There's also Peter Parker/MJ but doesn't feature heavily so I didn't tag as such, Unbeta-ed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 19:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19818901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janonny/pseuds/janonny
Summary: Peter just wants to go on his date, but there’s this supervillain with a bunch of dogs, who has a very strange reason for attacking New York. Well, for attacking Queens. Welllll, for attacking this one street in Queens. Or trying to anyway.Why did Peter always get the weird supervillains?-“We could hear you calling for us from deep inside your heart,” Tony explained faux seriously as he hovered in the air now. “Little cries of, ‘Help me, please, I’m so embarrassed I have to deal with this type of B-rated villains’.”“Don’t listen to him, we were out on a date nearby when we heard the commotion,” Steve said as Peter moved to stand beside him.Peter looked at him. “You go on dates in your uniform and armor?”





	A Barking Mad Tale

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING** : Even though this is not canon compliant with Spider-Man: Far From Home, there are two lines of spoilers for Far From Home in the story. And this story is only funny if you’ve actually watched the movie, or if you at least know the context of the movie. I mean, it might not be funny even if you have watched it, so no promises there. XD

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Peter grumbled under his breath as he back-flipped off the roof of a five-storey building to land on a lamppost. Crouching on his new perch, he muttered, “I even left _early_ , but nooooo, I can’t go out for a nice dinner with MJ once, _just once_ , without a supervillain ruining things.”

The cacophony of barking from below him was hurting his ears. Peter sighed and decided he should probably pay attention.

“You’ll face the wrath of my terrifying attack beasts if you don’t do as I say,” screamed a man as he swept his arms out over his ‘terrifying attack beasts’.

They were a pack of…well, dogs. Not that dogs couldn’t be very scary and potentially beastly. Peter was more inclined to believe that all dogs were good doggos, but he knew they could still be frightening in certain situations.

However, in this case, these dogs didn’t exactly strike terror in the hearts of the onlookers. Sure, there were some pretty large dogs in the pack of maybe fifty dogs. There were a couple of German Shepherd mixes and a few other large dogs without any distinct breed. But the majority of the dogs were medium-sized to small. It was hard to see these dogs as ‘terrifying attack beasts’ when their number included little fluffy dogs that could fit in a handbag, growling and barking in little yips. It was very noisy, very bizarre, kind of cute, but not exactly intimidating.

Maybe if the guy behind it all presented a more imposing figure, that might have helped his venture into villainy. But he cut a rather sad figure as a skinny man dressed in what looked to be an overly large leather jacket that hung past his shoulders and gaped at the collar, matched with leather pants that were too tight and couldn’t have been easy to put on. To complete the awkward ensemble, he also had on a spiked leather collar around his neck and a dog mask possibly made out of paper mache and painted over in brown. The dog mask had what was probably supposed to be a fierce snarl, all teeth bared, but the muzzle was lopsided and a little deflated so the whole thing just looked like a dog grinning quizzically.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Peter called down at the man who was blocking traffic in the middle of a busy street with his bunch of dogs. “You can’t walk them all off leash here.”

As if to emphasize Peter’s point, someone leaned on their horn. A taxi driver stuck his head out of the window and waved angrily at the man and his dogs. Most people didn’t seem too afraid by this new threat yet; they were either continuing their way down the sidewalk or stopping to record what was going on. Other drivers were starting to yell out of their windows as well.

The man looked up as if noticing Peter hanging out on the lamppost for the first time. “Spider-Man! You stay out of this! I don’t have a quarrel with you, but if you try to stop me from taking my revenge, then my wolves and I will go through you if we have to.”

“Wolves? These aren’t wolves. You look like you raided a dog shelter,” Peter pointed out.

The man didn’t say anything in response, only shifted from foot to foot in what looked to be awkward embarrassment. Peter exclaimed, “Oh my god, you did raid a dog shelter! That’s not cool, man.”

“Yeah, leave the dogs alone,” someone shouted from a nearby car.

“Give the dogs back, you psycho!” yelled another person.

“I really like your mask!” Because there was always someone who cheered on the villain. 

The guy stomped his foot. Like literally, stomped his foot. “Shut up! All of you, shut up now!”

That was when the supervillainy actually started.

The leather collar with metal spikes around his neck started to glow blue and all of a sudden, the dogs around him fell into complete silence. Their sudden stillness was strange enough that the people on the streets dropped into a hush as well.

“If you don’t do as I say, I’ll ravage this city with my hounds,” the man hissed.

As if in demonstration, one of the larger dogs suddenly let out a ferocious slavering snarl at the nearest civilian on the sidewalk, causing the teenager to gasp and step back.

Okay, that was a bit creepy.

Deciding to keep the mad man’s attention on himself, Peter jumped off his perch and landed on a nearby car instead, hands up in the air. “Okay, okay, alright. We’ll do as you say.”

The guy seemed a little taken aback by this easy acquiescence. “Really?”

“Nah,” Peter responded, and flicked his wrists, sending a spray of webs over the nearest dogs, webbing them onto the ground.

He jumped onto the next car, getting a different angle to web more dogs onto the ground, pinning them into place harmlessly. 

“Attack him!” the supervillain screamed.

The dogs charged forward but Peter shot a line of webbing up onto the lamppost and swung over the dogs instead, shooting more nets of web over them to pin more of them in place. In less than a minute, he had more than half of the dogs webbed onto the ground without injuring them. Poor dogs, they probably weren’t going to enjoy getting all those webs out of their fur, but this was probably the least lethal approach.

When Peter landed on the street between two cars, he sensed something coming at him at high velocity, so he ducked immediately, but then…nothing sailed over him. He looked up and saw a familiar figure in a blue uniform standing in front of him, broad shoulders filling his vision, shield held up to deflect any projectiles.

“Hey, Cap,” Peter said cheerfully.

“Hello, Spider-Man,” Steve replied.

“What did he throw at me?” Peter asked, trying to look around Steve’s shoulders and shield to see.

Steve said with some incredulity in his voice, “It looks like he shot some kind of dog toy at you.”

The supervillain was now holding what looked to be a projectile weapon painted black and on the ground in front of the shield was a Kong, the large red chew toy out of place on the street.

“I guess he’s sticking to a theme,” Peter said, feeling a little embarrassed for the supervillain.

The sound of repulsors swooping by overhead cut off any reply Steve was going to make.

“I can’t believe you need us to help you deal with Dog Dude, Spiderling,” Tony said as he pulled up.

Peter pouted behind his mask. “I didn’t say I need your help.”

“We could hear you calling for us from deep inside your heart,” Tony explained faux seriously as he hovered in the air now. “Little cries of, ‘Help me, please, I’m so embarrassed I have to deal with this type of B-rated villains’.”

“Don’t listen to him, we were out on a date nearby when we heard the commotion,” Steve said as Peter moved to stand beside him.

Peter looked at him. “You go on dates in your uniform and armor?”

Steve beamed at him. “Tony was taking me flying.”

Wow, Captain America was actually blushing a little when talking about his _flying dates_ with Iron Man. This was so weird. 

The supervillain suddenly started screaming and shouting, pointing up at Iron Man. “You! You’re finally here! I knew you would come face me!” He turned to his dogs. “Attack him! _Kill him!!!_ ”

As Tony was still hovering about fifteen feet in the air on his repulsors, all the dogs started jumping frantically, trying to reach him without ever coming close. It was pretty strange because they were jumping while being completely silent. This went on for about twenty seconds. Which was really twenty seconds too long.

Tony flipped his helmet up. “What…is happening here?”

“I think they’re trying to kill you, Mister Stark,” Peter said helpfully.

“I think this means he’s actually your B-grade villain, sweetheart,” Steve chimed in, because he was awesome that way.

“Silence from the peanut gallery please,” Tony said and then pointed at the supervillain. “Look, Dog Dude, do you see what you’re making your dogs do? That’s just…this is just sad, okay? Just stop it. This is embarrassing all of us here. And you’re tiring out your poor dogs.”

“Don’t call me Dog Dude! I’m Alpha Man!” screeched the supervillain, who was apparently Alpha Man.

Tony paused at that, and then said with some consideration, “You know, in terms of naming conventions, I really think Dog Dude is actually better than Alpha Man.”

“This is just like you. You think you can come here, and just take over, be better than everyone,” shouted Alpha Man, advancing through his jumping, intent dogs who were still trying to get to Tony up in the air. Two little miniature poodle-mixes were jumping for all their worth like balls of fluff on pogo sticks and Peter was pretty sure that someone was filming them. They were definitely going to end up going viral.

“Do I know you?” Tony asked, confused.

Alpha Man gasped. “You don’t even remember me. You don’t remember after everything you’ve done? You’ve destroyed me and you don’t remember who I am? I’ll tell you so you know why you’ll be destroyed today. I am—”

“Angry ex-Stark Industries employee who was fired because he was unstable?” Peter suggested.

“Angry scientist who got yelled at by Obadiah Stane?” Steve called out.

“Someone who has a personal grudge against Howard Stark?” Peter offered as another suggestion.

But Steve was shaking his head. “No, this guy doesn’t sound old enough. But he could be the _son_ of someone who has a personal grudge against Howard Stark.”

“Right, right,” Peter agreed. “Uhh, someone angry that Mister Stark rejected his business proposal?”

“Someone who tripped over an Iron Man toy?”

Peter looked at Steve. “What, really?”

“Yeah, last month when we had to evacuate Coney Island,” Steve said, sounding all too chipper. “That said, I think that guy had pent up resentment for being denied an internship at Stark Industries too.”

“Two for one!” Peter exclaimed.

Alpha Man turned towards Steve and Peter, yelling, “No! It was worse than all that! What does all that matter? That’s only _money_ and _jobs_.” He was spitting, and even from where Peter was standing, he thought he saw tears in the guy’s eyes. “This…this was my dog.”

Peter gasped. “He killed your dog?”

“I did not kill his dog!” Tony denied immediately. “What the hell, Spidey?”

“He…he patted my dog,” Alpha Man choked out.

Peter’s moment of shock deflated into utter confusion. “Uhhhh…what?”

“I was out walking my dog, Lizzie, and there was the great Tony Stark, strolling down the sidewalk. I actually liked the guy back then, I was so happy when he said my dog was pretty cute and asked if he could pat her. And I even said yes! Like an idiot…I said yes. I had no idea how things would change from that day onwards. He just…leaned down and…and patted her on the head.” Alpha Man took in a deep shaky breath of air. “And that dog…my first dog, my most loyal dog Lizzie…”

Peter leaned in, waiting with bated breath.

“My dog loves Tony Stark more than she loves me now,” Alpha Man finished, audibly crying.

Peter gasped again. “Dude…”

“What?” Tony demanded. “ _What_? What is happening here?”

“Tony, that’s pretty serious,” Steve warbled from beside Peter, obviously trying not to laugh.

Peter stepped forward, surveying the group of silently jumping dogs. Then he spotted her, the little black Pomeranian with adorable brown eyebrows. That had to be Lizzie.

“That’s her right?” Peter asked Alpha Man, pointing at her.

Alpha Man gasped. “How did you know?”

“Look at her, man… You’re hurting her,” Peter said as gently as he could.

Lizzie was jumping towards Tony with all her might, like she had no other wish in the world than to get to Tony and tear at him with her little teeth, but she was also flinching occasionally, looking away and letting out a small whimper before she went back to her jumping. It was like she was trying to fight the mind control put on her.

“Even now, she doesn’t want to hurt the great Tony Stark,” Alpha Man said despairingly. “Even now, my dog loves Tony more than she loves me.”

“No, that’s not it!” Peter interrupted. “She’s hurting because this isn’t you. Lizzie remembers you as the kind owner who loves her and takes care of her. Lizzie remembers you as the owner she loves. But now you’re forcing Lizzie to do something bad, to want to bite and kill. That’s not in her nature, and she knows…it’s not in your nature either.”

Alpha Man stared at Peter, mouth open. “R-Really?”

“Do you really want Lizzie to be a killer? Do you want her to be a bad dog? Do you want her to live her life knowing she’s a bad dog and you made her into one?” Peter asked, voice gentle.

Alpha Man put a hand over his mouth. “Oh god, what have I done? What have I done…?”

The blue glow around his spiked collar faded, and all the dogs stopped jumping towards Tony who was still in the air. They looked around in confusion, whining and panting with the exertion.

“Someone get them water,” Steve called out in a clear, authoritative voice, and a few people immediately went looking for water and bowls.

Approaching slowly, Peter held out his hand and only relaxed when Alpha Man slowly unclipped his collar and handed it over to Peter. A tiny whine next to Alpha Man made him look down, look at where Lizzie was pressed up against his leg, whining up at him in sadness. Alpha Man crouched down and hugged her close, crying into her fur as she licked him wherever she could reach him.

Tony landed on the ground and put his gauntlets on his hips. “First, I’m paying for all your therapy because this really needs to never happen again. Ever again.”

Then he retracted his gauntlets and bent down, patting the nearest dark brown dog that leaned up to lick his face too. In a few seconds, other dogs were flocking to him.

“What’s second?” Steve asked curiously, corralling the remaining dogs towards Tony so that they wouldn’t get away.

“Second, I’m going to pat all the dogs,” Tony said, clearly working hard to achieve his goal with all the happy patting he was doing. “Then we’re going to unweb all the other poor dogs and return them to where they were taken from.”

The police finally arrived and took Alpha Man away with them, graciously agreeing to let Lizzie go with him for the moment.

“Did you see that?” Peter asked Steve, watching Alpha Man being led away between two policemen while Lizzie followed behind them.

“See what?” Steve was already working on unwebbing the dogs.

“I think Lizzie was giving Tony a longing look as she was leaving,” Peter commented. He was serious, that dog was sending longing puppy eyes towards Tony even as she followed after Alpha Man, almost reluctantly.

Steve chuckled. “Don’t be ridiculous, Spider-Man.”

But when Peter tried to pat a little black dog and it ducked away from him to bound towards Tony, he frowned and thought maybe he kind of did get where Alpha Man was coming from.

Peter grumbled as he pulled webs from three whining dogs he had stuck together, “It’s almost unfair really.”

“What’s unfair?” Steve asked.

But when Peter looked up, Steve was also surrounded by his own group of dogs as he worked on freeing others, laughing as they licked and nuzzled him, looking like he was a model for some kind of dog food commercial.

“Never mind,” muttered Peter. They were both unreal sometimes.

Tony finally stepped out of his Iron Man suit to help unweb the dogs _and_ pat all of them to his heart’s content. Peter later told MJ that it was totally surreal to see fifty dogs willingly stay in one place just so they could be patted by Iron Man and Captain America. She had told him in turn that his whole life was surreal, which…true.

When all the dogs were unwebbed, Peter asked hopefully, “Can you get the dogs back to the dog shelter? I’m kind of late for something.”

“Have a nice date, Spider-Man,” Steve said with a mischievous smile, because he was an asshole sometimes.

“Use protection,” Tony added, because he was definitely an asshole all the times.

Peter rolled his eyes and swung up into the air. He flicked his phone out of a pouch and looked at it.

Two text messages.

The first was just a link to a tweet that said, _“Spider-Man is fighting some guy called Dog Dude! More importantly, look at these puppers omfg!”_

It was a video of the two jumping poodle-mixes and they were as adorable as Peter remembered.

The second message was from half a minute ago and just said, “I’ve ordered our meals for us. You get to pick dessert instead, loser.”

Peter grinned and whooped as he swung through the air.

\---

The TV was playing a segment of Iron Man and Captain America being interviewed while holding two little cute dogs each.

“Yeah, these guys have had an adventure,” Tony was saying. “But they’re all reformed from their supervillain days now, cross their little hearts.”

“These dogs are looking for a good home, so if anyone is looking for a dog, please consider these fellas for adoption,” Steve said, holding up the two dogs in his arms.

“Who wouldn’t want to own the dogs who almost defeated Iron Man and Captain America?” Tony asked, winking at the camera and laughing when one of the dogs started licking his cheek.

The journalist asked, “Are you going to adopt any for yourselves?”

Tony looked at the little wriggly black dog under one arm that was staring back at him adoringly. “Well…I’ll have to talk about it with Steve and the others.”

With the way Steve was smiling at Tony and the dog, the answer seemed clear to all.

The video cut away to a journalist behind a desk who said, “When we contacted the dog shelter, they said that they’ve had unprecedented number of people turning up for adoptions after those dogs were returned and one of them was Tony Stark himself. Apparently, the billionaire philanthropist also left a ten million dollar cheque. Talk about a turn of events for the shelter!”

Jessica sighed as she stared at the screen. “Tony Stark is so dreamy. Did you see how he was holding that dog? Soooo cute.”

“Right? And what does a girl need to do to get a guy like Captain America to look at her the way he looks at Iron Man with a puppy,” Drew giggled beside her.

“I know how Captain America feels,” Jessica said with a dreamy sigh. “Who can resist Tony Stark holding a puppy? And he’s so generous. Honestly, I’m not dating anyone unless they’re half as good as Iron Man.”

“Then you’ll never date anyone,” laughed Drew.

Jessica turned her nose in the air. “So be it then.”

From a few feet away on the other end of the couch, John thought with seething rage, “ _This is all Iron Man’s fault. It’s Iron Man’s fault that I can’t even ask Jessica out because she would never say yes. One day, I’ll make Iron Man pay for this. One day…_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> I think it’s pretty obvious which part of the story in FFH inspired this story. xD Thanks to [Pear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/peppypear/pseuds/peppypear) and [Rise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/riseupwiseupeyesup/pseuds/riseupwiseupeyesup) for the discussions on Discord about all the stupid reasons Tony might cause someone to turn supervillain. And for [Bear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bearixt/pseuds/Bearixt) who said ‘somebody write this!’ That’s encouragement enough for me! 
> 
> All the suggested villains by Steve and Peter are real villains in MCU, except the one who tripped over an Iron Man toy. And I’m pretty sure that dog Lizzie did fall in love with Tony Stark. And pined while staring out of the window everyday, longing for Tony Stark to pat her on her head once more, which is what turned Alpha Man into a supervillain. I totally feel you, dude, who wouldn’t turn supervillain after that? But at the same time, it’s Tony Stark. Us mere mortals can’t compare.
> 
> You can reblog my story [here](https://stony-ao3-feed.tumblr.com/post/186305545336/a-barking-mad-tale) on Tumblr if you like!


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